It’s early morning, and I’m trapped by an unlocked door, the front entrance to my home, during a year I’d rather forget. Through the window, a breeze rustles trees heavy with leaves so green and vibrant it pains me to stare at them for too long. They stood bare the last time I stepped outside.
This thought lodges a gag of shame in my throat as I slip on a pair of worn tennis shoes and convince myself that a stroll around the neighborhood is something I do all the time, a decision made in impulse and not in agony. It’s only a door, just a door, I repeat. My anxiety – no, let’s be honest, my full-blown agoraphobia at this point – would not get the better of me today.
I imagine it’s similar to how Madeline felt as she approached the foot of Celeste Mountain, just as determined to best its peak to prove, to herself most of all, that she was capable of doing so. Her journey makes up the bulk of Celeste, a tough-as-nails platformer released earlier this year, though the trials she faces aren’t always physical.
Surmounting her paralyzing anxiety proves every built as difficult as the mountain itself, and through her quest, developer Matt Makes Games depicts some of the most painfully realistic anxiety attacks I’ve ever seen. So I was shocked when I discovered lead developer Matt Thorson, in an interview with Kotaku, revealed his team never tapped mental health professionals to help them portray Madeline’s illness.
“Our intention going in wasn’t to represent mental illness in general, or to make a ‘how to deal with depression’ guide, and we didn’t think to consult professionals on the topic,” he said.
Still, as I played, I recognized in Madeline’s attempts to overcome her emotions certain teachings from my nearly decade in therapy to address my own anxiety and depression. Unbeknownst to the developers, Madeline’s techniques for battling anxiety borrow heavily from cognitive behavioral therapy, a study I’m intimately familiar with, as it’s been essential in combating my own debilitating mental illness.
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